lilly_jade

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 19:24:26 GMT

I long for the reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. Break-ups are always so painful for me because I cling to the hope that it's forever. So really, I'm setting myself up every time I get into a relationship, but that doesn't make letting go any easier. He hasn't told anyone in his family that we're not together and he didn't want anyone at school to find out. I was reading through my lj and I saw the entries I made when he asked me to marry him. It seemed like I was finally going to get everything I'd ever wanted. I just need to believe I'm doing the right thing.

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 15:32:00 GMT

I had sex with him... OMG! I just want to cry. I haven't breathed a word of it to anyone. It was my first time. I was hurt and emootional and I couldn't sleep so I called him and he came over, and there was a momentary lapse of reason, and we had sex. We both knew it was only for that night. We both knew that once morning came, our relationship was still over. I still don't trust him and I'm still hurt but he wants to get back together NOW and he writes me notes that make me feel like shit and he guilt trips me and he tries to force me to kiss him or hold his hand. I don't think he realizes how strong he is. I'm not ready to get back with him yet, and I've told him this. I might never be ready if he keeps acting this way. Every time I tell him I can't do what he ants me to do, he says something like, "Well, it was so easy for you to do the other night." and that hurts. He's throwing it up in my face after he promised he wouldn't bring it up or talk about it. I feel like a whore.

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 15:19:26 GMT

This breakup is hard for me. I'm afraid that trying to remain friends with him isn't going to work and I'm going to lose him altogether. That would be the most horrible thing I can imagine having to go through right now. I miss him so much but I know this is what's best for me. Maybe one day in the future he'll grow up and be a man without my help. Maybe then it'll be safe to be with him. Maybe I'll never be with him again. The uncertainty of what's to come is all that I can think about. That's what hurts the most.

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 15:35:28 GMT

There comes a time in every person's life when they realize that so much of it is already over, and there are so many things left undone, that they will never again have the chance to do. I believe that coming to that realization makes people want to take risks and make their mistakes. I believe the human race is failing for lack of love and compassion, and I watch as the world crumbles, afraid for my future children. The clock keeps steadily ticking and time moves forward ever so slowly, but I'm stuck in the past. I dream as the hope fades. I dream that one day people will understand that we're all just people. I dream that even though we've failed so many times, there's always next time. But then I'm reminded that it is just a silly dream as I wake to the cries of the fallen. Through my eyes you'll glimpse a vision of the future. Don't be afraid of what you see.

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 15:32:52 GMT

Eating's been a battle lately. It's not that I can't eat, it's just letting myself keep it down. Justin doesn't fully trust me, for whatever fucked up reason he can come up with. It's been a long while since the last tme I made an entry...

Today's song lyrics:

"Life Ain't Always Beautiful"

Life aint always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life aint always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

[CHORUS]
No, life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know i'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 18:18:00 GMT

Autumn Frost, a friend of mine whose body I envy highly, congradulated me on my engagement this morning. My dad says Justin has no guidance. He's sort of right though. But Justin's changing, or at least he's trying.

I can't be the person I need to be right now. I can't be strong, I can't be brave... I can't be the savior anymore. Right now, I need to be the one that gets saved. I want to make a list of things that I want Justin to know about me. Stupid things, like my favorite song and that I make a wish every day at 11:11, and important things, like I'm afraid of dying alone or that I'm scared to death of parenthood because of how badly my mother was at it, even though she's having another baby.

How do you tell one child that you just weren't ready to be good enough for them, but you're ready to be a good parent for the next one?

How the fuck do you do that with a clear concience?

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 17:06:53 GMT

Today makes 2 years since my friend Ashley died. So many of us miss her. It's still strange not having her here. Justin's trying to keep me in an upbeat mood, though. He didn't know her, but he does understand, so he's doing everything he can to be comforting. Here's my song to her:

"Who You'd Be Today"

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no one could take your place.
And sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
And I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no one could take your place.
And sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today...

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.

I loved her so much, and I still do. I miss her like crazy. I can't wait to see her again. No one will ever meet a more wonderful person and I'm so glad I got the opportunity to call her one of my friends.

Tue, 08 Jan 2008 16:33:44 GMT

Justin and I are having a wonderful day so far... he worries about my eating habits still. He was on the phone with me last night while my mom was begging me to eat supper. I just try to find other non-cal ways to fill myself up. Pepsi Max is my savior! I try for Justin's sake to make him think I'm eating more than I am. Like this morning, I told him I ate an egg and a piece of buttered toast, which would normally be about 150 cals, but I had an egg white with 35 calorie plain toasted bread... 50 cals total. Pepsi Max right now, and that'll probably be it for today. But Justin is happy because he thinks I'm eating, and when he's happy, we have the most amazing days together, so I'll keep him believing as lng as I can that I'm doing better.
The wedding date is 11/11/2011... a good distance away, but still exciting! We were talking about it on the phone last night and everything is still pretty vague, but some plans have been made. The honeymoon will last 3 weeks, 1 week in Bora Bora, 1 week in Cancun, and 1 week in any European country of my choosing. It will be a family & friends event, and it will definately be formal.
I'm so excited!!!

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 16:10:25 GMT

I got to see Justin for the first time since New Year's yesterday. He has a picture on his phone of some girl he defended while he was in NC. She's really cute, which is why I'm not really comfortable with her picture being on his phone. But that's just my insecurities. A girl named Lauren called him on his cell phone while he was talking to me on his house phone yesterday... "some little friend of his sister's"- I really wnat to not have suspicions anymore. I'd love to be able to just trust him. Especially now that I'm going to marry him.

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 17:19:48 GMT

Life is a little crazy right now. I'm doing a 21-40 day fast for my church, nothing but broth, juice, and water, but I'm still drinking my coffee. Justin's on his way home from NC, where he's been since Wednesday. He proposed on the 22nd, so I'm engaged as of then. I miss him like WOAH right now... Sandra got me a skeleton key for Christmas!!! I heart skeleton keys. I haven't gotten much sleep recently. That seems a tad evident in this entry, considering how often the subject changes. On New Year's Eve, I had to babysit the twins, so when I put them to bed, Justin came by to give me a New Year's kiss, and then he had to leave. It was sweet though, that he came. We talked on the phone for hours, while I chatted up a few friends on yahoo. We decided for the first time since we got together that I didn't have to be the strong one anymore. I hope that works out the way we intend it to. I still won't give up all my strengths, though. Nothing's ever guaranteed.

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 17:18:04 GMT

Today is as yesterday was...

Tue, 18 Dec 2007 17:03:25 GMT

Justin's birthday is Thursday, then Friday, he gets to go to the cabin with me and my family until Sunday, which is exciting. Although, I am worried about us fighting while we're down there, because it would be horrible if we fought in front of my family. He's stopped talking to that girl completely...^-^ I dunno, though. Maybe I blew that whole thing out of proportion...
I tend to do that too often...

I'm still glad he did, though. She still makes me uncomfortable.

Fri, 14 Dec 2007 15:59:51 GMT

"You're GOING TO tell me EVERYTHING that goes on at school tomorrow."

WTF ever, Justin...

HE'S the one that can't be trusted. HE'S the one who's partying in NC! I'm here in school where he REALLY needs to be, and I'm so sick at my stomach, I don't even need to eat anything to throw up!

But I miss him and I love him and I do wish he was here to at least try to comfort me. A cell phone does little good to comfort, even though the inbox is filled with his support.

I don't know, really... I'm just sick. Easily aggitated when I'm sick, that's all. It doesn't take much to annoy me. He just happens to be able to push every right button at precisely the wrong time...

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 18:40:40 GMT

Justin left... he was going to stay because I hadn't eaten anything and wasn't feeling well, but I told him to go ahead and leave. I'm so tired. I just ate some candy that Sandra gave me... 90 calories for one rope thing... I miss him already, though. I wish he didn't have to go. Listen to me bitch and moan!!! He'll be home tomorrow night! I'm such a fucking baby. Song lyrics for today:

"I'd Be You"

Coffee lights my emptiness
It's self-inflicted pain I guess
In this room my dreams are dreamt
I can't remember where they went

In a magazine up on a rack
Is where I'd live in white and black
If I could walk these streets unseen
If I could have one little thing
I'd be you
I'd be you

Confiscate my liberty
I'm not worth a damn to me
I want to have my name in lights
I want to party through the night like you

In a penthouse suite of a grand hotel
With jacuzzis, champagne and waiter bells
Camera men and limousines
If I could have one little thing
I'd be you
I'd be you

If I was you
If you were me
If I was you
I'd be happy

Cigarettes and irony
I want to be a star
Loneliness won't validate
I can't take it anymore
If I could have one little thing
I'd switch my life with yours
If I could roll the dice again
I'd change the way they fall
I'd be you
I'd be you

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 16:33:23 GMT

Justin's leaving at 1:30... which sucks. He won't be back from NC until late tomorrow/early Saturday. He bought me a Monster iced coffee this morning! ^-^ They're my favorite. It's crazy, how much I love him... how protective I am over him. I guess the latter could be understood. I was watching him last night at practice and for the first time, I really saw how attractive he was. It's never mattered to me before, but it just kinda hit me for whatever reason. People keep telling me I've gotten so much thinner, but I don't see it at all. I think it's just my clothes or something. I'm very tired lately. Can hardly keep my eyes open, despite the outrageous amounts of coffee I consume daily. I miss Justin already. His current class is on the other side of the building. =(

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 16:33:44 GMT

Right now I'm having horrible stomach pain, and Justin is in another class... so he's texting me to try to help talk me through it. Lately, my stomach pains have been crippling, and they make me throw up the majority of the time, but this is the first time it's happened during school and I really don't want to throw up. My throat's getting raw. He's being very, very sweet, though. I love him so much. He's asked me to marry him and my best friend almost cried when I told her. She'll always be my number one, of course. He could never replace HER. Almost makes me want to cry. We're all growing up. I remember 12 years ago, when she and I first became friends. We went through all kinds of hell together, and always came out loving each other even more... *tear

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 18:41:13 GMT

I got my class ring today!!!

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 17:05:35 GMT

Here's my song for the day:

"Whatever It Takes"

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
and believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

Beautiful... ^-^

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 18:42:31 GMT

Day four and counting! He's still doing amazingly well. He cut his hair into a semi-mohawk, semi because he did leave a decent amount of hair on the sides. I love it, though. I think it's adorable. I have more song lyrics to post!!!

I had all but given up on finding
The one that I could fall into
On the day before you
I was ready to settle for
Less than love and not much more
There was no such thing as a dream come true
Oh, but that was all the day before you

Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
The day before you

In your eyes I see forever
Makes me wish that my life never knew
The day before you

Oh, but Heaven knows those years without you
Were shaping my heart for the that day I found you
If you're the reason for all that I've been through
Then I'm thankful for the day before you

Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
The day before you

Was the last day that I ever needed alone
And I'm never going back
No I'm never going back

Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
No I'm never going back
I will never have to go back to
The day before you

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 16:33:12 GMT

He bought me one of my favorite drinks on his way to pick me up for school this morning. Then he put his coat around my shoulders so I wouldn't get cold once we got to school. He's doing so much better, it's like he's a totally different guy, and I love it! He's actually TRYING... making an effort... ^-^

And it's dramatically improving my health. I'm just so happy now. I'm trying not to let my hopes go too high, because we're only on day 3, but I'm so proud of him!

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 18:20:30 GMT

My uncle died Saturday. His car hit the wall of a bridge, and when he tried to climb out the window, he fell 200 feet off the side of the bridge. The sad part is, he was only visiting up here. They live in Florida. Could you imagine like, your parents leaving for a vacation and only one coming home? They're going to cremate him. You can't really blame them, considering what he must look like.

I went to Justin's Grandmother's funeral with him Saturday.
He cried a lot.
He really appreciated me being there.

I got to meet his family from NC. Jennifer was the coolest...

When everyone left and it was just me and him, we had a serious discussion about what I need out of our relationship. I told him I needed more than he was giving and that if he didn't start taking care of me, I was going to break up with him.

He's done great since then, but it's only been two days. This is something that has to be taken day by day, and I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt one last time, so we'll see how it goes.

I feel much healthier now, btw. No more headaches, no more sleeplessness, no more stomach pain... all smiles!
^-^

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 16:04:39 GMT

Last night made the third night in a row I cried myself to sleep, and also the third time I woke up at 3 AM. I cried at school today, too. First thing. Justin wouldn't talk to me on the phone last night. He was too busy talking to everyone at his house. He didn't talk to me at all. I've had a horrible migrane going on two days now, and yesterday, it got so bad that I threw up. All I wanted was for him to comfort me, not fix the problem. I'd just like to hear, "I'm sorry baby. I hope you feel better." or anything along those lines, but he said nothing to me and just kept talking loudly and carrying on with his family, so I just hung up. I think that made him mad, because this morning, when he came to pick me up, he had his music blasting. I had to go to the counselor's office during my first class for about 45 minutes, and I cried like a little fucking baby. I seriously think that if I keep holding on to this, it's gonna kill me.

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 18:38:10 GMT

My head hurts very, very badly. Justin's not back yet, but I guess you can't expect court to be over that quickly.

I wish I knew why he was there in the first place.

Oh well...

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 16:27:59 GMT

Justin's grandmother died this morning. He was very close to her. Even though he was upset, he came and got me and took me to school this morning anyway, but he just left to go to court for reasons unknown to me. He said he was coming back, though.
Now would be a cruel time to even consider breaking up with him. He's going through a lot and he needs me. I just feel so bad for him. Every time I look at him, he seems on the verge of tears. I told him I loved him before he left because he looked like he really needed to hear it.
I just wish there was more I could do.

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 17:15:11 GMT

I feel a tad livelier today because I'm not totally focused on keeping Justin happy. I'm beginning to attempt to pull pieces of me away from him in order to keep myself at a moderate level of happiness.

Is that selfish?

Not like I really even care. He's selfish the majority of the time. That doesn't sound a bit mature... "I can do it because he does it!" Ugh... I frustrate myself. I could find a sweet guy who really cares about me and WANTS to do sweet things, like hold my hand. But I don't. I stay with him, and I just can't find it in me to leave, though the situation also lacks any logical reason to stay.

I guess it'll all work itself out. Shit happens.