Eating's been a battle lately.  It's not that I can't eat, it's just letting myself keep it down.  Justin doesn't fully trust me, for whatever fucked up reason he can come up with.  It's been a long while since the last tme I made an entry...

Today's song lyrics:

"Life Ain't Always Beautiful"

Life aint always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life aint always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

[CHORUS]
No, life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know i'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

Today makes 2 years since my friend Ashley died.  So many of us miss her.  It's still strange not having her here.  Justin's trying to keep me in an upbeat mood, though.  He didn't know her, but he does understand, so he's doing everything he can to be comforting.  Here's my song to her:

"Who You'd Be Today"

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no one could take your place.
And sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? 
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
And I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no one could take your place.
And sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today...

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.

I loved her so much, and I still do.  I miss her like crazy.  I can't wait to see her again.  No one will ever meet a more wonderful person and I'm so glad I got the opportunity to call her one of my friends.

I got to see Justin for the first time since New Year's yesterday.  He has a picture on his phone of some girl he defended while he was in NC.  She's really cute, which is why I'm not really comfortable with her picture being on his phone.  But that's just my insecurities.  A girl named Lauren called him on his cell phone while he was talking to me on his house phone yesterday... "some little friend of his sister's"- I really wnat to not have suspicions anymore.  I'd love to be able to just trust him.  Especially now that I'm going to marry him. 

"You're GOING TO tell me EVERYTHING that goes on at school tomorrow."

WTF ever, Justin...

HE'S the one that can't be trusted.  HE'S the one who's partying in NC!  I'm here in school where he REALLY needs to be, and I'm so sick at my stomach, I don't even need to eat anything to throw up!

But I miss him and I love him and I do wish he was here to at least try to comfort me.  A cell phone does little good to comfort, even though the inbox is filled with his support.   

I don't know, really... I'm just sick.  Easily aggitated when I'm sick, that's all.  It doesn't take much to annoy me.  He just happens to be able to push every right button at precisely the wrong time...

Day four and counting!  He's still doing amazingly well.  He cut his hair into a semi-mohawk, semi because he did leave a decent amount of hair on the sides.  I love it, though.  I think it's adorable.  I have more song lyrics to post!!!

I had all but given up on finding
The one that I could fall into
On the day before you
I was ready to settle for
Less than love and not much more
There was no such thing as a dream come true
Oh, but that was all the day before you

Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
The day before you

In your eyes I see forever
Makes me wish that my life never knew
The day before you

Oh, but Heaven knows those years without you
Were shaping my heart for the that day I found you
If you're the reason for all that I've been through
Then I'm thankful for the day before you

Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
The day before you

Was the last day that I ever needed alone
And I'm never going back
No I'm never going back

Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
No I'm never going back
I will never have to go back to
The day before you